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i remember that it hurt. looking at him hurt. i just don't want to ruin someone's life just because my emptiness.  beside, my recently break-up has taught me to be mature towards love. i cannot trust anyone easily, people change feelings change. 
there's a different kind of love to some people for me.
when i'm with him let just say the no. 1, i feel so small when i am next to him, engulfed my him infinite... like portrait of nebula poet. he's the one who never really left my heart even though we never happened yet. but he will always have some special place in my heart.
then the no. 2, i can be the most comfortable person around him, i can tell him anything what i want what i think even the smallest things without any self doubt or bad feeling, it's just so right when i'm with him but i think our love just built as a friendship. Holy shit, i can't even imagine if we kissed. and he always came into my life after i had a break up with someone.
last the no. 3, someone who i trust so easily, it's very sweet at the beginning but  how can someone's feeling just easily go away like that? i still can't believe that we already break up and we just dated a month. i trusted you so much it hurts when you say your things like that. 


A Buddhist Prayer on Forgiveness

"If I have harmed anyone in any way 
either knowingly or unknowingly 
through my own confusions 
I ask their forgiveness. 
If anyone has harmed me in any way 
either knowingly or unknowingly 
through their own confusions 
I forgive them. 
And if there is a situation 
I am not yet ready to forgive 
I forgive myself for that. 
For all the ways that I harm myself, 
negate, doubt, belittle myself, 
judge or be unkind to myself 
through my own confusions 
I forgive myself."

I intend to let go of things that hurt me, for I will find a peace in everything.



“Jangan sengaja pergi agar dicari. Jangan sengaja lari agar dikejar. Berjuang tak sebercanda itu.” - Sudjiwo Tedjo 


23:47 here

i'd like to become a person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. but you see now, i've changed so much. either it's better for you or bad for you. actually, i still look for you in everyone, until now. and none of them could arouse my heart like what you did.


"Portrait Of A Nebula"

I’m shitty at being honest,
But I want to be honest with you and
Honestly everything about you scares me shitless,
From the way your lips are still glistening with the aftermath of my anxiety
To the small of your back pressed softly into my hands.
I am so small when I am next to you,
Engulfed by you, infinite,
Falling into the back of your throat as your laughter swallows me,
Muffled and slow.
The sunset smears clouds across the sky with brushstrokes of light,
Painting the portrait of a nebula and
I swear to god you are every hue I’ve ever loved;
Just like that you are dust and gas compact into these atoms
I can’t fathom how the universe designed you.
I can’t think of the equations that led our lines to meet,
My hands are clasped in desperation that we can bend so that after
We intersect we will not have to leave.
My heart is a kick-drum slamming inside my chest to
The rhythm of your fingers running through my hair to the nape of my neck.
No amount of sound can touch me now
As I write this down,
Trying to pen you onto a paper. It’s the best I can do
In the stead of paint onto a canvas.
—  "Portrait Of A Nebula" - Nishat Ahmed


(I Think I Made You Up Inside My Head)

   Mad Girl's Love Song
Sylvia Plath
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"



Kalau kamu datang, aku berjanji tidak akan bertanya kenapa baru sekarang.

Kalau kamu datang, aku berjanji tidak akan membuatmu berdiri di depan pintu terlalu lama.

Kalau kamu datang, aku berjanji tidak akan bertanya, hati mana saja yang sudah kau lewati untuk sampai disini.

Karena dengan langkahmu. Aku terbangun, dari mati suri yang kunina bobokan sendiri.

Kalau kamu datang, tolong jangan pergi. Aku lelah menjaga pintu.

Kalau kamu datang. Aku berani sumpah, aku tenang.

 (by: Rahne Putri)
thanks for the author who made this poem even though this poem has made for about 3 years ago and i was so kudet(kurang update) by knowing this poem recently, this is what i want to tell to the world.