21 years old Ade Sara Angelina Suroto

hello there, my best one. if only dead people and life people could talk, i'd still want to have a joke and chat with you everyday de. today is your 21st birthday, and 21 is your birthday date. i still wonder, how can someone just not be there anymore? you're the person i feel like my own older sister, even sometimes you act childish too. but when you handle my childish behaviour you can cope up with that. my highschool life is most likely depend on you,tita,and ruth and that one boy i couldn't easy moved on with (youknowwho) lol. that's why when i saw our highschool i only saw you and them.
i think everything is going to be okay until now, and yes i agree with that sentence. but, not everyday my life is filled with happiness and joy and when i have a problem like now, im in some kind of a mess. and usually i always know who i can run to when im in this kind of situation. i know i always come to you, so that's why since you've gone, everytime i cry about everything either its boys,friends,family problem i always think of you and i wish you were here so you can cheer me up, to be honest you're the most cheer-up friend i ever had.
i remember when we still in highschool, we used to fight a lot because we can't handle our egoism yet, but now... i guess i changed a lot. and i laugh when i think about that, because however i assume you as my one true best friend.
losing you is one of the most painful thing in my life, and i haven't even say goodbye or sorry to you. im so sorry de for everything, for the things i do that makes you mad, for not shallowing my pride to talk to you again before you die. because in that time, i never thought you could die, how i wish i can repeat the times and fix all the things. and now is the time where i've just had a courage to write something about you after 2  years past of your death.

so once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU MY TEENAGE DREAM! have a great life in heaven!


22:57 here

Sometimes i sit and contemplating what to do with myself, thinking how this life is so unreadable. So many things has left unsaid and so many things that have been said. Some nights i feel totally dull and heartless and sad at the same time. As we grow up we do know what's best for us and what not, and by bettering myself i think i know where do i have to start. 


A Buddhist Prayer on Forgiveness

"If I have harmed anyone in any way 
either knowingly or unknowingly 
through my own confusions 
I ask their forgiveness. 
If anyone has harmed me in any way 
either knowingly or unknowingly 
through their own confusions 
I forgive them. 
And if there is a situation 
I am not yet ready to forgive 
I forgive myself for that. 
For all the ways that I harm myself, 
negate, doubt, belittle myself, 
judge or be unkind to myself 
through my own confusions 
I forgive myself."

I intend to let go of things that hurt me, for I will find a peace in everything.



“Jangan sengaja pergi agar dicari. Jangan sengaja lari agar dikejar. Berjuang tak sebercanda itu.” - Sudjiwo Tedjo 


23:47 here

i'd like to become a person who actually deserves to be with someone like you. but you see now, i've changed so much. either it's better for you or bad for you. actually, i still look for you in everyone, until now. and none of them could arouse my heart like what you did.


"Portrait Of A Nebula"

I’m shitty at being honest,
But I want to be honest with you and
Honestly everything about you scares me shitless,
From the way your lips are still glistening with the aftermath of my anxiety
To the small of your back pressed softly into my hands.
I am so small when I am next to you,
Engulfed by you, infinite,
Falling into the back of your throat as your laughter swallows me,
Muffled and slow.
The sunset smears clouds across the sky with brushstrokes of light,
Painting the portrait of a nebula and
I swear to god you are every hue I’ve ever loved;
Just like that you are dust and gas compact into these atoms
I can’t fathom how the universe designed you.
I can’t think of the equations that led our lines to meet,
My hands are clasped in desperation that we can bend so that after
We intersect we will not have to leave.
My heart is a kick-drum slamming inside my chest to
The rhythm of your fingers running through my hair to the nape of my neck.
No amount of sound can touch me now
As I write this down,
Trying to pen you onto a paper. It’s the best I can do
In the stead of paint onto a canvas.
—  "Portrait Of A Nebula" - Nishat Ahmed


(I Think I Made You Up Inside My Head)

   Mad Girl's Love Song
Sylvia Plath
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"