how can we end up when we never began

it's true. we just started as a friend. you used to talk to me a lot when i had no intention to respond you. but you still did without a shame. you still nice to me.
once in a while i think my world is so empty, i started to respond you just to get rid my loneliness that day when you talk to me about something. then, when we start communicate a lot i realize that you're such a nice person to talk to. you even knew a friend of mine that i was just so surprised because that you're not really from here. what a small world.

day by day we talk about a lot of things, i start to like you a bit. and i can't believe that we lived in a near places, one day you ask me out and then we met. on the first day i met you, i think you're such a skinny boy and not that really tall but still okay. i love your eyes.

we getting more closer until one day you kissed me, i was surprised and confused at the same time because i think that we're just friend. and when i ask you "what this means?" you said "i like you but we don't have to put a label on it, just being together without some kind of hard feelings but we still can love and care about each other." well, boy. now i realize what this means. "yeah i can be free with whoever i want to talk to, but at the end of the day i'll come back to you again."
but this is us, a teenager,we are young, dumb and insecure. still can't see what's right and what's real. but we do love deeply especially if we are a girl. so i drifted. the more i care about you the more you careless. how am i supposed to do when it start like this?
i became such an insecure foolish person, i texted you like a lot not realizing that we're not even dating, then when you reply with a short text, i guess i bothered you much.

that's the thing about falling in love with someone. i think i'm falling for him, but he's not even realize who's he playing with. who's he messed with. all the bullshit promised that i have through with a lot of pain, i hold it. when we make a date, you're like gone all day and text me at the end of the day. but i do still wait for you. i wait for you a lot, like really really oftenly a lot. but you still not come, and you cancel it like you don't even have a guilt.
you know one thing? it hurts so much. yeah, you succesfully tearing up my heart.

and the end is coming, we ended this all, you said you love me, finally??? lol.

i get drunk because i love you, but the wounds won't heal if i thought about what you did to me. but when i just think of you, i kind of missing you.

but now, maybe i'm going to hate you a little bit. because you open my eyes that i've been such a fool for a long time, fool for everything. and now i don't wanna have it all. i don't ever want to give all of my heart, because if i give it all, the people will do it as much as they want. so don't talk to me about the end, because we're not even ever began. and it's true i never was yours...


"Portrait Of A Nebula"

I’m shitty at being honest,
But I want to be honest with you and
Honestly everything about you scares me shitless,
From the way your lips are still glistening with the aftermath of my anxiety
To the small of your back pressed softly into my hands.
I am so small when I am next to you,
Engulfed by you, infinite,
Falling into the back of your throat as your laughter swallows me,
Muffled and slow.
The sunset smears clouds across the sky with brushstrokes of light,
Painting the portrait of a nebula and
I swear to god you are every hue I’ve ever loved;
Just like that you are dust and gas compact into these atoms
I can’t fathom how the universe designed you.
I can’t think of the equations that led our lines to meet,
My hands are clasped in desperation that we can bend so that after
We intersect we will not have to leave.
My heart is a kick-drum slamming inside my chest to
The rhythm of your fingers running through my hair to the nape of my neck.
No amount of sound can touch me now
As I write this down,
Trying to pen you onto a paper. It’s the best I can do
In the stead of paint onto a canvas.
—  "Portrait Of A Nebula" - Nishat Ahmed


(I Think I Made You Up Inside My Head)

   Mad Girl's Love Song
Sylvia Plath
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"



Kalau kamu datang, aku berjanji tidak akan bertanya kenapa baru sekarang.

Kalau kamu datang, aku berjanji tidak akan membuatmu berdiri di depan pintu terlalu lama.

Kalau kamu datang, aku berjanji tidak akan bertanya, hati mana saja yang sudah kau lewati untuk sampai disini.

Karena dengan langkahmu. Aku terbangun, dari mati suri yang kunina bobokan sendiri.

Kalau kamu datang, tolong jangan pergi. Aku lelah menjaga pintu.

Kalau kamu datang. Aku berani sumpah, aku tenang.

 (by: Rahne Putri)
thanks for the author who made this poem even though this poem has made for about 3 years ago and i was so kudet(kurang update) by knowing this poem recently, this is what i want to tell to the world.



have you ever imagined meeting someone who understood even on the dustiest corner of your soul? 

have you ever fall so hard in love but in the end it won't be a happy ending and always leave you waiting? 

have you ever fall in love the same way twice but in the end they just fall for another?

i hope one day you will. i hope one day you will meet the one who understood you in so many ways who knows how fragile you are and can see the pain that you felt through your eyes then they make you a better and a happy person ever. and for the first time in your life you believe that they're the one that deserve you. it isn't wrong to have a dream like fairytale. it isn't wrong to hold onto the hope even though you've been let down in so many times, if you believe and trust that your dreams will come true sooner or later it will happen. make yourself a better person. ease all the pain in your mind. think about something that makes you feel better. and just believe... believe that everything was worth for a reason. so you'll know why something that can break your heart or can make you happy is happening. you'll know why God give those scene in our life story. so you can cherish every moment. find the one who you can possibly share your dreams to your story your silly wish your bad behaviour your crazy laugh your deepest thought or maybe your feelings that were hidden or not and the one who can truly fix your heart. FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTAND. i hope, i still hope...


Nancy chapter 3

Dikelilingi oleh polisi dan helikopter si cewek dan manusia pun ngumpet di belakang tong sampah. "Apa sih maksudnya?" Tanya si cewek kata manusia "kita dikira sampah kali". Setelah itu salah satu seorang polisi mendatangi mereka dan bertanya "kalian tinggal dimana?" Mereka menjawab "gak punya rumah elah" mereka pun setelah itu diungsikan dirumah masyarakat tapi sayangnya disini mereka harus berpisah manusia di daerah Buld si cewek di daerah Javt. Awalnya mereka sah sah dan seneng seneng aja, tapi lama kelamaan hidup mereka hampa tanpa satu sama lain. Mereka pun jadi banyak makan dan jadi gendut melebihi kucing gendut. Si cewek pun akhirnya memutuskan untuk diet habis habisan, dia pun ga makan seminggu dan turunlah berat badannya jadi 20kg dia juga selalu "lari ga?" Di komplek rumahnya. Sementara si manusia dia minum obat obatan yang membuat badannya kurus. Akhirnya mereka berdua kurus lagi. Si cewek pun suatu hari jalan jalan ingin ke gedung pencakar langit, itu memang tempat favoritnya. Gedung pencakar langit, diatas sana dia bisa memikirkan banyak hal yang dia pikirin selama ini, tidak lama setelah itu si cewek pun ketiduran di atap sana. Sesampai jam 12 malam ternyata si manusia punya firasat akan bertemu cewek itu dan ternyata benar dia bertemu cewek itu disana dan merekapun bertatap mata, betapa kangennya mereka. Cewek itu pun bertanya sekali lagi "kenapa ada bintang dan bulan di langit?" Kata manusia "iya saya tau karena kemauan kamu kan" si cewek menjawab "bukan lah, mereka ada karena ciptaan Tuhan." Si manusia selalu bingung dengan perihal si cewek yang selalu mencari kesalahan di dirinya. Karena itulah cinta.



Nancy chapter 2

Kota mereka begitu megah. Namanya adalah kota Polong. Mereka juga jadi kaya raya elah. Kodok jadi raja kodok diantara kodok kodok. Si kucing gendut juga mempunyai istana bola benang. Sementara si cewek dan manusia mereka mengahabiskan hidup mereka dengan membuat gedung pencakar langit. Cewek itu suka rooftop sementara manusia kerjaanya taruhan bebek. Suatu ketika ada balapan bebek si manusia kalah 5 mili (kalo di Nancy sekitar 5 triliun elah) manusia pun bangkrut dan berencana meninggalkan kota Polong, karena uang mereka, mereka kelola bersama si cewek pun kena imbasnya dan ikut pergi dengan manusia. Mereka berkelana lagi di laut selama 10 hari sampai akhirnya mereka menemukan kota Frac. Di kota Frac begitu banyak bunga. Dimane mane bunga elah. Mereka pun turun dan melihat bunga bunga itu. Si cewek pun bertanya lagi "kenapa disini banyak bunga?" Kata manusia "ya karna memang disini orang suka nanem bunga" si cewek pun jawab "bukan, karena saya mau dateng makanya banyak bunga deh" cewek itu seperti "concious flowers" kalo kata F. Scott Fitzgerald. Disini manusia itu pun bingung untuk kedua kalinya. Setelah mereka berjalan jalan tanpa ada sepeserpun. Si manusia nabrak tiang listrik. "Aduh" kata manusia, si cewek bilang "aduh? Yang bener gini neh, ADOH ELAH. Kenapa sih kamu jadi cowok lembek banget?" Si manusia pun jawab "sakitnya ga seberapa kenapa saya harus teriak sekeras itu?" Si cewek jawab "gapapa siapa tau kalo ada orang denger dia mau nolong nanti kamu pura pura pingsan terus kita boleh nginep dirumahnya." Si manusia dengan tampang bloon jawab "ohiya bener ya". Gak lama ada tim penyelemat naik helikopter dan lain lain mengelilingi mereka dan memberikan cahaya ke mereka.